I want to capture the past 5 days and put them in slow motion. So many significant life events have happened that I can barely keep it. My mind wants to race forward and plan plan plan. But, my heart is not caught up yet and the first wave of good news has not even sunk in enough to let this second wave come in.
Last Friday, Josh proposed. I said “yeah!”
It was a frenzy of figuring out how I did NOT see this coming and how Josh was able to keep it a secret and how my mom and sister were able to keep it a secret and how I did not ever hear or notice the times someone almost ruined the surprise. Yesterday, as I was driving, I was almost in tears (again) as I let it sink in that the Lord has given me so much in this man. I do not deserve such blessings, such proposal or engagement or marriage. Not one bit. Yet, what a picture of grace and love God is showing to me through this whole process. All I do is whine and cry and complain and NOT trust Him, and yet He is so eager to give so much to me.
Today, I was offered a 1st grade position. I said, “Yes, I would like the job!”
It was a sequence of conversations that left me going crazy as the suspense cause my thoughts to do backflips through my brain and heart. But, I finally got the call this afternoon with the job offer I had been waiting for. I joke that I am most excited because I don’t have to write a letter of interest or cover letter for a very, very long time. That’s partly true. But, although this process was not nearly as long as it could have been, the past few months have brought along some crazy emotions and doubts and breakdowns. Yet again, all I did was doubt doubt doubt…and all God did was give give give.
Amidst all of the congratulatory messages and support and excitement from friends and family, I can’t help but feel like this is all not supposed to happen to me. This is all so good and all so wonderful and the attention is being pointed at me. But, the crazy thing is, for once in my life, I feel like I had NO control over any of the milestones that have been reached in the past 5 days. NO idea the proposal was coming. NO idea that I would actually get the job due to factors out of my control. Throughout the entire interview process, I kept calming my fears by reminding myself that none of the words spoken were mine and that if I got the job it would not be because of me. And, I feel the exact same way right now. I know that I am being congratulated – and no doubt it has been a blessing to realize how deep and wide my community stretches – but, it also feels wrong because the glory or honor should not be pointed at me.
I don’t know how to say that in fewer words, but my heart is just rejoicing that none of these things are direct effect of anything I have done or made happen. There’s no way I could have made our relationship turn into marriage. Only by the grace of God. There’s no way I could have made the principal hire me. Only by the grace of God.
“Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.”
Maybe in the past few months, my heart has not necessarily been characterized by delight in the Lord. Or maybe there was 50% total panic crazy freak out mode and 50% peace and delight in the Lord that must have been the Holy Spirit. Nevertheless, I know that within the course of me and Josh’s relationship, this verse has popped up over and over again. Even before Josh and I started dating, this verse was probably very prominent in my life. The Lord truly has given me the desires of my heart in marrying Josh. And I’m sure I barely know what that means yet, but this verse just sinks into the core of who I am when I think about God’s faithfulness in bringing us to this point.
I know that my life right now looks absolutely amazing and picture perfect, but I also want to balance enjoying this time and being keenly aware of reality. The next year of my life may be the hardest one yet. I will be preparing to get married as well as entering my first year of teaching. I know that God has planned such events to happen all at the same time for His good purpose. I want to trust Him so deeply and with much steadfastness remembering these moments where I lay here in awe of His rich blessings in spite of how undeserving I am.
People have asked how I feel, and I tell them that I feel absolutely crazy. What I mean by crazy is that I feel the weight of God’s grace on my life and it is way too much to believe and process so quickly. I want to take it all in, but it all moves so fast. Yet, this is only a shadow of what is to come and my mind is blown by that. I am delighting and reveling in the joy of knowing that this good news and these earthly goals and accomplishments are made meaningful and purposeful because of the Good News we have in Jesus.
My heart overflows with joy and with so much more than I can even name because of how much I don’t deserve these gifts, yet how pleased God is to give them to me anyway.