In the frenzy to figure out what happens next, I have been so fixated on what hasn’t happened yet. I.e., I haven’t found a job. It’s basically an obsession at this point, and I don’t know how to approach this crazy weird transition in a healthy, grace-filled, pleasing-to-God way. I know that I am supposed to trust in God’s plan for my life. I know that I am taken care of and loved beyond what I can imagination. I know that I am incredibly fortunate to have parents who will support me and catch me if I fall. Seriously.
But, the struggle ensues and I must take action and change even if it doesn’t seem to make me feel better. For the sake of my sanity – and the sanity of those closest to me – I really need to think about what HAS happened instead of just focusing on what hasn’t happened.
So, what HAS happened in the past few months? What are the things to thank God for and what are the things that reflect His faithfulness in the times I have doubted Him? (In no particular order…)
- I finished student teaching! And total teach! And PDS!
- I’m graduating on Friday (WUT)
- Celebrated 4 years of being part of Epic Movement with friends that have walked alongside in struggle, triumph, apathy, and joy.
- My sweet 3rd graders and CT sang the song “Seasons of Love” to me as a going away present
- 2 friends recently got baptized and their stories are a testament to God’s sovereignty.
- Fancy Mice aka the sweetest (not) freshmen girls showed me that imperfect, limited intentions and efforts are of great meaning and worth
- 2014CK4 friends continually push me to pursue God, encourage me in who God has made me to be, and provide such genuine and fun friendships even from miles and miles away – and PLUS, our sweeeet reunion is in just a few weeks.
- Celebrated 3 years of getting to date the most bold, unapologetically-steadfast-to-the-Truth, strong, forgiving, sacrificial, trustworthy, and loving man ever.
- Conquered mountains with Confusion S (aka the group of girls I walked through student teaching with) and got to see each of them grow in confidence, grace, and love as future teachers.
- Developed more-than-just-teacher-friendships with the girls in my cohort
- Had numerous conversations with friends as we reflected on God’s faithfulness throughout college and all that we’ve walked through together.
- Reconnected with friends from past years and realized how undeserving I am of such consistent friendship and encouragement – maybe not from the same people for 4 years, but from different people at just the times that I needed such specific truth/stories to be spoken to me.
- Saw the beginning of the era of going to friends’ weddings and realized that my idea of marriage needs some more processing/growth. Also, realized that this means I am an adult.
- Experienced grace from the people closest to me who continue to give me love even though I so often spew out hurtful words/actions.
The close of these 4 years of something to be celebrated, not something to be terrified of or to dread. This summer of camp is something to be humbled by and grateful for. My heart has just been shattered into pieces and the pieces have been thrown into all the random responsibilities that pressure me – job search, friendships, living places, graduation, camp, etc. But, this morning (through prayer, which apparently I need more of in my life) I began to realize how undeserving I am to even be able to work camp this summer. And right now, I’m realizing how undeserving I am to have experienced these last 4 years of college and to be graduating. Everything in my life is an absolute privilege that I have so disgustingly taken for granted and turned into this stressful web of lies and idols.
I want this transition – in all of its’ glorious mess, confusion, and struggle – to be marked by hope, truth, patience, grace, trust, and peace. These words continue to pop up for me and these words are much easier to say, write, and read than they are to feel and to live. I want to live in hope, truth, patience, grace, trust, and peace that God really-actually-forreal-certainly-seriously does have a plan for my life. That Jeremiah 29:11 is a real thing. And that what His plans are for me and way better than what I am trying to pave for myself.